Wedding Souvenir

Back in 1998 I was still just out of University when Sex and the City made its debut on HBO. At a mere 23 it seemed like everyone around me was getting married! There I was, single in the city, and barely at the quarter century mark terrified with nightmares of being an old maid in a retirement home! Then I saw the Carrie Bradshaw light and never looked back. Marriage is a sacrament, a sacred one, and as a Roman Catholic it is an institution that I take very seriously. The problem is, with women being able to have careers and own property without a man these days marriage is more a choice than a must. Marriage is suited for those who have the kind of temperament, personality, and basic emotional state to endure a shared life with someone. It is not a cure for being lonely, unhappy, insecure, or needy. In fact, marriage to fix an internal problem or get validation can often be a fast track to such issues being exacerbated!

When I celebrated my 31st birthday last November I realized how much being single has paid off in my life. I own a condo, have fabulous friends, enjoy a successful career and side consulting, my goal is to double my income from 2006 year end to the 6-figure mark, a beautiful deep social and spiritual life, soul nourishing hobbies, and enduring love with family. Not only that, I am often mistaken for a tad younger and am pretty fit. I have control of my schedule and can indulge in spa days whenever I want. If I feel like running off to New York or California for a few days and have the time, money, and inclination… I do it. No one to negotiate with or consult. If I were married I would have to out of respect for my spouse. As I go through the next decade of my life I still have yearnings for my lost youth (the 20′s) but more and more, I am very grateful that the old romantic foolishness of those days are dead and buried. Having more years of life does have advantages… because one can see in retrospect.

Marriage is a commitment. It is hard work. It makes you married not happy. Sure you can divorce but no matter how awful it was there is a serious emotional and often financial stress overload with it. Even the person who left doesn’t escape unscathed by the emotional fatigue and burden of a very trying ordeal. Divorce is not a solution to a bad marriage. The solution is to choose wisely and with a long-term vision in mind. Values-based marriages are bypassed in favor of youth, folly, passion, lust, and obligation to family pressure.

Marriage is shared resources, credit rating, children, obligations, fidelity (which many seem to struggle against these days), and so forth. You can’t just walk out… you made this choice… just like having a child there are some life altering choices to which there is a point of no return. Marriage vows are irreversible and even without children the experiences of that relationship and other person never leaves you. If any of you, male or female, have ever dated a single parent, you will most likely experience the heartbreak of being last on the list to the original partner.

Marriage demands compromise, negotiation, sacrifice, a willingness to be flexible when your ego is screaming for control, and most of all trust. Trust is the make it or break it foundation of marriage. Even those who don’t have trust issues don’t get it right all the time. All the more is marriage a serious life test for those with intense trust issues. Marriage is also a union between two families not just the bride and groom. Every family has politics. If you have a troubled relationship with your in-laws and/or your own family of origin, these complexities will spill over into a marriage household. When married you can forget about just running off on a moment’s notice to become a jazz dancer in Berlin just because the impulse strikes. The consequences are heavier and there is often not much you can do about it.

Marriage can be a sanctuary of well being or a prison. Imagine marrying someone who hasn’t worked out there own hang-ups if you haven’t? Another potential ticking time bomb ready to explode one day. The White Knight on a horse is a myth can living life on fantasy just sends you into a pattern of disillusionment. Reality is, first time marriages have a 55% divorce rate, second and consequent unions inch higher, and with kids from former relationships up even more. Marriages born out of infidelity have a 1 in 5 chance of being long lasting because they begin on a mistrustful note. Stacking the odds in your favor by cohabitation are counterintuitive, you are increasing the risk of divorcing rather than reducing it.

So… what’s the answer for those seeking wedded bliss? Maybe the arranged marriage formula is the best one. Or maybe… don’t marry at all unless you want kids, but if you have enough resources… you may just want to go solo by choice.

Let’s get back to Carrie Bradshaw on how hindsight is 20/20 in the romance department. When I was 21 I lived on a street in the West end of my city. There was a man who lived at the end who was slightly older than me. He didn’t notice me but I saw him. He was young, athletic, photogenic, and life was good. Life included a typical sexpot girlfriend who fit the template of a wayward girl from the wrong side of town background. They lived it up in that wild youthful lusty kind of way with parties and trips. Over the course of a year I would see him come and go. I never caught his eye because back then I hadn’t discovered Carrie Bradshaw. I was plump, insecure, bookworm, worked three jobs, and going to University at the same time. I always had friends and hobbies but men and romance were non-existent. He moved away about 18 months after I first saw him to cohabitate in the north end with his bombshell. She walked around in that club girl gear that made him feel like a stud for having her. Six months after he left the neighborhood I moved away, began my career, discovered Carrie Bradshaw, and took on many things by her inspiration: I won a makeover in Manhattan with a celebrity show style team, lost weight, focused on my dreams, volunteered for charities, concentrated on becoming my best self, and focused on making me happy. Being always too serious romance just didn’t come easy to me but thank God friendships did.

My point it… Let’s fast forward a few years later. My handsome neighbor became a divorced single parent, went through the harrowing emotional trial of a divorce, coped with all the rage associated with disappointment and betrayal, and at a much older age not only had to pick up the pieces but also needed to find himself really. He had never been single and for the first time in his life he had to know himself. What happened to him is not something I would ever wish on anyone. What is worse than never getting married is to have that special day only for it to blow up in your face less than five years later! How do I know this? He accidentally found me again nine years after my foray following Carrie’s footsteps. I had adventures all my own while so many of his memories were tied up in his former partner. Sadly, this marred my own already cynical view of marriage all the more. The more I learned from his personal experience the more it dawned on me how one wrong step created a domino effect road to disaster. They were probably two good people just plain bad together and for one another but youthful lust can blind the best. Nothing is left by consequence and responsibility. I was still single, never married, and free but just experiencing the aftermath of a marital breakdown as a third party observer only reinforced my belief that marriage is NOT for everyone. I would have married my neighbor by the time with met up again but it was too late. My youthful romanticism had long evolved into hard nosed reality while his delights of the flesh rendered him tragically heartbroken.

At the risk of sounding egotistical, what broke the spell for me wishing for some man to grant me validation was all those single memories I cultivated for myself and on my own. There I was, just about to turn 30, when it dawned on me that all those years of shared memories he had with another couldn’t match the ones of me in New York, London, California, and all points in between. Carrie Bradshaw inspired me to live it up. Cosmopolitan magazine encouraged me to be a Fun, Fearless, Female. Then my feminist roots still provoked me to be, in the words of a 70′s anthem, “I am woman hear me roar!” At age 25 I had to endure the pretty club girls gush and snicker that they were going to be walking down the aisle. At age 27, they were at it again, giddy that they were going to give birth and had fruitful wombs. Then when the big 3-0 hit it was table turn time. Post honeymoon blues, post partum, and the realities of being responsible for a larger load and another person gave way to a sobering truth: there is no such thing as better. Whether a woman wears a left hand or right hand ring a lifestyle choice is best for the person involved. Some women thrive in partnership and marital life. Others are suffocated beyond measure and would eventually break free from its demands. Ditto with motherhood. My point is… I walked away from the white picket fence and a romantic possibility because I had learned that my wildest dreams could come true without a man, just me and my tenacity. I have children in my life through my best friend Amy in Montreal. So the motherhood experience may be lived vicariously but it suits me just fine.

So, if you still desire marriage and believe you can beat the odds… my advice is… equip yourself with the best relationship tools available! You can never be too rich or too thin or to skilled in healthy partnership. One place to start is with the Hendrix Relationship Institute, Drs. Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks on Conscious Loving, the Mindful Loving book by Dr. Henry Grayson, and for getting your worst self out of the way before being with a partner… The Hoffman Process.

These days I raise my right hand and pledge a vow to myself! Right hand rings were made famous by Carrie Bradshaw and her Manhattan galpals. Thanks Candace Bushnell – you saved my single life!

Rheba Estante has a professional background in public relations, market research, and conference development in a variety of sectors – finance, health/pharmaceutical, and government. She is a former radio host and story producer for CKLN 88.1 FM’s “Radioactive Feminism” (2000 to 2005), and is now a freelance writer on integrated health for Tiago Transformations ([http://www.tiagotransformations.com]), a columnist on healthy relationships for LoveinToronto.com, and a book reviewer for Pippin, the official quarterly publication for the Toronto Storytellers Association. Rheba is a member of the International Women’s Writing Guild (IWWG) in New York City, the Toronto Storytellers Association, and various writers groups in the city.